Is it painful

I was living ordinary life always I told myself just leave don’t think about your dream or what do you want to achieve in the future. You thinking is a Fairytale. That what environment told me and they rising me like this way and I believe it and I hold it and but it in my life. because I was in the age I don’t have a guide or someone he want achieve something or just dreaming. I was in the social jail no vision no support (oh my God) I tried to let it forget it .but always stucked in my mind. And I keep it hiding in my heart . It take 3 month after that I didn’t Sleepwell I couldn’t enjoying in my life no reason for Living. Everything was dark afraid from future form tomorrow. I was hopeless praying to God to take my life my soul. I am thinking only for death. I was lazy in studying I didn’t care about my health my body . In my mind a lot of dark thinking make me always sitting in the house. No one hear me or care I was silent and my feeling in my heart I tried to stop him but he never giving up he want me to let him out and show me who I am. But I didn’t let him. because the environment where I live they will not accepted will not supported I was fighting 3 years and after that something happen to me when I applied in university.